The days are still dark and cold here. For the first time since the course started, I find myself, in a way, friendless. Most of the times I am too much in a rush to care, but sometimes I miss having friends, if not around, existing. Anyway, it cant be a bad thing. I really need to get work done. I’m sure I will make some soon enough. Friends is a bad word in this context. Thats not really what I mean. Don’t know though what the right word is, so I will leave it. An old friend (in both senses of the word) used to say that we are natures ‘leanee’. So what we miss most often is someone with whom we can be the leaners for a change. Sometimes I feel that my friends, universally, love me only when they are in an emotional crisis. Which is actually fine with me, for most people, thats what I would prefer, anyway. Dont waste my time if you’re fine. If you have a problem and need to talk, I’m there. Is it mean? I dont know. But sometimes, and with some people, its different. Oh, I’m Rambling …
I was very worried when I started off on this. Burnt my bridges and leaped off into the dark. My first gamble. I wondered if it was worth it, constantly. My family and some friends still cant get why I would reject oxford to do a vague course i dont even know much about. Last few weeks have been so hard, struggling so hard just to keep abreast, that I too, wondered if I must not have been a bit mad. But this morning, browsing, checking bloglines, every article of interest to me was somehow related to something i had done in some class, or something i had a vagueish idea about what they were going on about … I am sure I didnt express that just the way I meant it … but, that really made me feel, in a funny way, that I had, infact, done the right thing. The right thing for me.
I am dying to go somewhere. I’ve never travelled alone just for fun though. Feels weird to do it now. Desperately want to get away, though. Anywhere. Even if its just for a day.
I am inspired by Barbie’s taking one year off to travel. Would I ever do it? Suddenly, as for the first time I feel like I might have a vague idea of the direction I really want to go in, and life seems, if not on, then a little closer to the track, the hurry to “get god knows where”, prove something, be someone seems to calm and for the first time, I think, like “one of them“, I could also imagine atleast, taking a year off to do nothing.
Baba and Barbie are in Andaman. Snorkelling. Walking through the old prison walls. Him telling stories of yesterday the way only he could, and today, and everything. Him being himself. She will probably at some point say “didi said …” and give away some half baked funda i used sometime to impress her, watch her gape, lol, and he will probably tell her its all crap. Damn. I wanted them to do this now. I knew I would never go to Andaman. Or Somnath. Did’nt know they would throw in Kerala though. I have always longed and longed and longed to go to Kerala. Someday. Strangers become friends as we drift. That is the part of journeying with family that I miss most. I, open to those I love, become ultra social in the company of any one person I care about. Alone, I usually become the solitary brooding scorpion.
Is it a wonder, Meet Joe Black, on my mind? But then, let his eyes light up. Thats enough.
Chocolate Amer 