Things and People

I loved this post on Gretchen’s blog Are You an Over-Buyer or an Under-Buyer?

“Does one of these descriptions fit you?

You’re an over-buyer if …
–You buy several summer outfits for your as-yet-unborn baby, then it
turns out he outgrows those clothes before the weather warms up.
–You often lay in huge supplies of slow-moving items like shampoo or
cough medicine.
–You often make a purchase, such as a tool or tech gadget, with the
thought, “This will probably come in handy.”
–You have a long list of stores to visit before you travel.
–You find yourself throwing things away—milk, medicine, even cans of
soup — because they’ve hit their expiration date.
–You buy items with the thought, “This will make a great gift!”
without having a recipient in mind.
–You think, “Buying these things shows that I’m responsible,
organized, and thoughtful.”

You’re an under-buyer if…
–You buy saline solution, which you use every morning and night, one
bottle at a time.
–You often scramble to buy an item like a winter coat or bathing suit
after the point at which you need it — and often, these items are
sold out by the time you show up at a store.
–You’re suspicious of specialized objects and resist buying things
dedicated very specific uses: suit bags, special plastic plates and
cutlery for children, hand cream, rain boots, hair conditioner.
–You often need to come up with a makeshift solution, such using soap
because you’ve run out of shaving cream, because you don’t have what
you need.
–You often consider buying an item, then decide, “I’ll get this some
other time” or “Maybe we don’t really need this.”
–If you must buy something, you buy as little as possible—say, by
putting $10 of gas in the car.
–You think, “Not buying these things shows that I’m frugal and not a
consumerist sucker.”

Me? I’m an under-buyer.

Under-buyers feel stressed because we don’t have the things we need.
We make a lot of late-night runs to the drugstore. (I constantly run
out of saline solution.) We’re surrounded with things that are shabby,
don’t really work, or aren’t exactly suitable.

Over-buyers feel stressed because they’re hemmed in by stuff. They
often don’t have enough storage space for everything they’ve bought,
or they can’t find what they have. They feel oppressed by the number
of errands they believe they need to do, and by the waste and clutter
often created by their over-buying.

So under-buyers—buy what you need, without procrastination! Don’t wait
for the first morning of your ski trip to buy ski gloves!
Over-buyers—think it over before you whip out your wallet! You don’t
need a ten-year supply of toothpaste!“

Obviously as someone who still has (and wears at home) clothes from high-school, and is now wearing a t-shirt bought sometime in college (atleast 12 years ago), no more to be said about categories!

I found this on another of her posts about spending out:

I have a miserly nature; by spending out, I mean to stop hoarding, to
trust in abundance. I find myself saving things, even when it makes no
sense. Not long ago, my last pair of jeans started falling to pieces.
I made myself go shopping, bought two pairs — and yet, I’ve still
only worn one of the pairs. Why am I saving the others? Not wearing
clothes is just as wasteful as throwing good clothes away.

I also need to spend out by letting things go. I re-use razor blades
too many times, I keep my toothbrushes for too long. There is a preppy
wabi-sabi to soft, faded khakis and frayed cotton shirts, but it’s not
nice to be surrounded by things that are worn out, or stained, or used
up.

Spend out applies to creativity as well as to possessions. I find
myself thinking, “I should save that story…” or “I don’t want to use
all my best examples now…” But pouring out ideas is better for
creativity than doling them out by the teaspoon.

The most important meaning of “Spend out,” however, is that I
shouldn’t be a score-keeper, I shouldn’t stint on love and generosity.
As St. Thérèse of Lisieux wrote, “When one love, one does not
calculate.”

I have a bad habit of keeping a running tally of who’s done what.

“I gave the Little Girl a bath last night, so you…”

“I let you take a nap, so you…”

“I had to make the plane reservations, so you…”

NO! Spend out.

The vital notion behind spend out is that by spending, I create more gain.

I was intrigued by Arthur C. Brooks’s article in the November
Portfolio magazine, Giving Makes You Rich, which presents analysis
showing that people who give money to charity end up wealthier than
those who don’t give to charity.

I love this post, as well as the idea of spending out. It’s actually
something I wrote about earlier today without having read your blog
yet! (Must be something in the air.)

As I read the comments posted by people who fear the doormat syndrome,
I had to go back to St. Thérèse of Lisieux’s sentiment: “When one
loves, one does not calculate.” I think that can be broadened to the
idea of giving. When we give without expectation, as Gretchen said, it
always comes back to us. Maybe not from the source we think it will,
either.

For those who fear being taken advantage of or feel tapped out, it
made me think about giving without expectation. When we remove
conditions to our giving and let it come from a pure place, at least
for me, it feels like I’m expanding my heart and fueling a really good
place within me. I don’t feel like I’m being depleted.

I used to, though! I used to give and give and give, and told myself I
was doing it because I was generous and kind. Truthfully, that’s not
why I did it at all. My real agenda was that I gave hoping to be
validated as a result. I wanted people to notice and respond to it.
(But I’d never consciously admit that to anyone during that time!)

We all do it, though. Whether we realize it or not. It takes practice,
love & compassion for ourselves to move to a place of “spending out.”
It’s something I’m still working on, and brings me huge joy when I’m
able to practice it.

I also loved this comment, because till I read it I didnt see it in my own case!

Several times I found myself thinking, “I can’t part with this; it’s a
family heirloom! I’ll never have a use for it, but my parents
entrusted me with its care…” Finally the lightbulb came on: my
parents had unloaded that object on me because they had no use for it
either! I’m finally understanding that memories of stuff gone by are
usually more valuable than the stuff itself, especially if it’s only
taking up space and you can’t find it anyway.

There is a buddhist koan that seems related. I think of it like this
“Act like it’s already broken.” Let’s take the pair of jeans –
someday, you’re going to drop a glass of red, red wine on them, or
they will fray at the knees, etc. That day will come. So you may as
well enjoy them now. If you accept that they won’t be with you forever
(and they won’t), you’ll be able to appreciate and enjoy them now.

I liked it so much I went and found the koan:

“Advice from a zen koan. If you own a teacup that is very precious to
you, you have two choices: you can be obsessively careful with it, and
live in fear that you’ll drop it, or someone will chip it, or an
earthquake will come and it will fall out of the cabinet. This object,
intended to bring you pleasure, can become a burden.

Or, you can imagine that it is already broken — because in an
important sense, it is. It’s sure to break someday, just as you’re
sure to die and the universe is sure to come to an end. Then, every
time you drink from the cup will be a pleasure, a gift from the gods,
a special reunion between you and something you had lost. You will be
sure to appreciate every chance you have to use it, but having already
said goodbye you will not need to use it with fear.

This can be applied to personal relationships, to your job, to
money… if you give up feeling that you need things, you can
appreciate them more fully.

Some people worry that if they give up attachment to this extent, they
will not have the will to get what they want; they’ll end up living in
a discarded refrigerator box and starving to death because they’re so
laid-back. In fact, there is substantial evidence that having a goal
and enjoying a process is not the same thing as kicking your ass all
the time, or being motivated by fear of failure or of becoming a bad
person. You learn to act with what various groups call the original
mind, flow, or True Will and do what you do because it’s you, not
because you’re being bribed or threatened by an internal parent.

In a now-deleted writeup, zgirll pointed out that you can effectively
free yourself by giving the teacup away. This is an asymmetry between
the possession issue and the relationship issue: giving away an object
is an acceptable way to keep it. Giving away a person is stupid,
unless your relationship (or the person) is dying on its own. The
difference is that a possession is something you can fully know, and
so your internal model of it can provide the same satisfaction as it
can itself. Friends, on the other hand, are far deeper and we never
really “figure them out.” Ending a relationship that might otherwise
have grown is a serious sacrifice which, I think, does not do any good
in and of itself.”

on a similar vein, simple mom says use the good stuff now
http://simplemom.net/use-the-good-stuff-2/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+simplemom+(Simple+Mom)&utm_content=Bloglines